Chapter 5 • Being The Odd One Out.

About two months after my psych ward stay, I decided I wanted to go to a friends party. I was finally discharged from the outpatient program I was attending, so my parents agreed I could go to a party in my town.

In high school, I was part of the popular group. I made friends with basically anyone I met, I was invited to all the parties with my friends, and I had underclass friends as well. Typically, my life consisted of hanging out with friends and socializing.

I went to the party with my younger sister. I told her I was nervous, seeing I didn’t know how people would treat me since I ended up in a psych ward. She told me I’m friends with everyone who will be there and it will be fine.

I was overwhelmed with anxiety once I parked my car and began walking up to the house. I told my sister maybe it’s best I just go home, but she talked me into staying. She said that after all the stress I’ve gone through, I deserve a fun night out.

Everyone was hanging out in the garage. I walked in, and it was as if I was a complete stranger to a room full of people who used to be friends to me.

Most of the night, everyone basically ignored me, even being there. I only stayed for an hour, and I wish I didn’t even go. I left without my sister seeing she chose to stay, and I went right home.

I went right to my room, and I felt so ashamed of myself. All I thought was now that everyone was aware of my psych stay and nervous breakdown. I felt like I would never be treated the same.

Looking back on how my friends perceived me or how I was treated like I was flawed due to having a mental health diagnosis, this was one major reason I began to hide my bipolar diagnosis from anyone and everyone I came across. I just felt if I don’t open up to people about it I’ll be treated like I’m a normal person without being judged for a piece of myself I never asked to have and that I can’t magically erase from my life.

Seeing my close friends I graduated high school with went off to college, I started to seclude myself from even going out. I just felt like I didn’t belong wherever I went. I became so self-conscious and worried how the rest of the world was perceiving me.

I never imagined that age 18. I would have experienced so much and had such a negative life transformation in the matter of only a few months. I had plans after graduation to go to county college, work, hang out with friends, and all of that became non-existent due to something a 45 year old man chose to do to my life.

Every day, I felt anger that Don was most likely living his life completely unaffected by his actions towards me, yet here I am suffering from a sexual assault I wish more than anything never happened.

Prior to my nervous breakdown and hospitalization, I was a completely different person. Now, at age 18, I was ashamed to even be myself. I was completely embarrassed over my manic episode. I was still living with the after effects of being in the psych ward, ptsd from Don, and seeing my friends were all off at college I felt even worse knowing I wasn’t keeping up with what they were all doing.

I guess I just never imagined my life would ever be what it turned into. A big reason I was so angry with my bipolar diagnosis and why I couldn’t simply adjust to it, is that my mom was unstable during most of my childhood and I grew to hate her due to alcoholism and instability. So now I felt angry that I had that part of her in myself.

All I thought was how will I live the rest of my life with having bipolar, taking psych meds, I lived in fear I’d end up committed to a psych ward again, I also worried I’d hit another manic episode.

Being brand new into adulthood fresh out of high school, I never heard of the term stigma in relation to mental health and prior to my diagnosis I didn’t know much about mental health conditions even though I watched my mom suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction. I’m not sure my family even opened up about her having bipolar disorder. It took my personal experience to understand it all, but from seeing how I was treated by people who once considered me a friend to being completely shunned by them I now realize exactly how bad the mental health stigma actually is.

Being 18 years old and having bipolar disorder was not something I was at all happy with. I just prayed one day I’d find myself again because whoever I became was definitely not someone I was at all happy to be.

To be continued…