Knowing my pets all died in the house fire was extremely upsetting. This caused me so much hurt and anger that they all suffered.

Growing up, we always had cats. They were outdoor cats. The female cat often ended up pregnant. It was always so exciting to see the kittens. The 1980s were definitely a different time for cats not always being fixed and seeing many more outdoor cats in my neighborhood. When my cat had a litter of kittens, we would go to the local flee market for people to adopt them, but my parents let us a us keep a kitten. Present day me would never do any of this with cats I’ve had, but again times have for sure changed since childhood. The mother cata name was Ginx, and her son was Hojo. I really loved them both.

Then we had Bonkers and jet black cat who really only liked me. I do not remember adopting Bonkers, but the name was very fitting for this cat. He was wild and often hissed and scratched people. He would allow me to sit with him on my lap and pet him. I loved him. He will have another chapter about a crazy story that he caused my family.

Then my sister and I both had guinea pigs. We had a neighbor across the street whom we’d spend time with her kids often. So we’d put the guinea pigs in our red wagon and bring them over there. I really did take good care of mine. My sisters guinea pig passed on before the fire, but mine had a longer life up until dying in the house fire.

Our other pet was a dog named Boomer. We had adopted him from the local flee market. It was such an odd 80s flee market that seemed to be filled with anything and everything. Boomer was a mutt. We would take him on walks, and if my brother ever bullied me on the walk, Boomer would always attack the victim of the situation. Other than that poor quality, he was a really great dog that our family loved.

My brother had a lizard, which I do not really remember much about.

Looking back at the day, I knew my house was on fire. I wasn’t really concerned about my mother seeing I knew she caused the fire and killed all of our pets.

What father would say to their kids that all of the animals died in the fire? I get it now, but I was so angry because I knew the truth.

Present day me is vegan. So, looking back on this memory really hits me differently.

I do think about this loss and the house fire more often than I would wish to, but there’s no way of erasing those traumatic memories.

Knowing I almost stayed home this day would have meant I would have suffered and died in the fire. I know my mother would have never recovered from that.

So, in memory of the pets I loved so much, I pray they didn’t suffer long. No person or animal deserves to live through that much trauma.

I really did love them all and probably more than any person seeing they always comforted me while the rest of the world made me suffer alone.

That’s what animals are sent to us for is to show unconditional love and comfort. If I could have saved them, I would have.

In life comes death, and I will always be able to hold onto the memories I was left with about all of my pets. 

Finally, after maybe 2 years, our house was rebuilt. I was excited to have furniture again and just started to go back to normal again.

Soon, I found out though my father had a girlfriend. This was a bit upsetting to hear that he was already dating someone new when he wasn’t even divorced yet. I get it, though, now looking back that his relationship with my mother destroyed his happiness and our entire family, so he needed to start over.

At this point, we still didn’t bring up the topic of my mother. I guess we were all just too angry to even worry about her. Then, all of a sudden, one day, my mother walks through the front door as if she was just going to move back in. My father’s girlfriend at the time was angry with this. I think all of my family was in shock to see her again.

Obviously, my father ended up filing for divorce, and at that time, I just hoped I would not have to see her again.

It was an adjustment, though, getting used to my father’s girlfriend. Looking back, I don’t think she ever liked me very much. She did have a daughter, and soon I found out she thought my mother would get us back full custody, and my father would only see his kids on weekends. Clearly, she just wanted her happy family of her, her daughter, and my father. I was livid she even thought living with my mother full time was an option.

I was just grateful at this point that my father’s girlfriend wasn’t living with us, but that sadly eventually changed.

Over time, I did grow closer to her daughter, which was nice, but I did hope my father’s relationship with his girlfriend would end. That wasn’t the case, though.

My father seemed to spend more time with his girlfriend and her daughter than he seemed to care to spend time with his own children. I wasn’t sure why he turned on his relationship with his own children, but now I’m aware that decision was influenced by his girlfriend.

As great as it was to finally move home, losing my father to a woman I barely knew was not easy to cope with. Eventually, his relationship got much more serious with her, though. I was just hurt, not knowing why my father would choose her and her daughter over his own children. That was who he became, though. That was the start of him being emotionally unavailable to his own children. I should have known that was the point in my life. I would begin to stop being loved by my father completely, and it really started to hurt.

As great as it was to live back home again, my father was barely around. My grandparents started to care for us by picking us up from school, watching us after school, and then when they would leave, it would just be my siblings and I left to fend for ourselves.

This was our new normal, not having a parental figure. Looking back I know my father needed to work a lot to take care of our needs and give us a home,  but I also know he just didn’t want to be home much most likely due to overwhelming stress of what his ex wife did to our family. Whatever the reason, I wanted my father to be present in my life. Like I said I the last chapter, he chose his girlfriends family over his own, which was very upsetting to come to terms with.

I remember one night I was going to sleep in his room, because of course he slept out at his girlfriends house. As I was watching TV, I heard a loud gunshot and scream outside the window. I panicked and called my dad and said I heard a gunshot. Can you please come home. All he said was just make sure the doors are locked, and I’ll be OK. I cried myself to sleep that night.

Having to come to the realization that I had no parents to lean on or depend on was very upsetting. I was angry and started to despise his girlfriend and her daughter. I was even more angry with my father and left very confused about why he wanted absolutely nothing to do with his family. What was so special about his girlfriend and her daughter who took the place of spending time with his own children?

The one thing getting me through all of this is my father let me adopt a cat named Shai, and I found comfort in having her. She became my new best friend and emotional support.

Months went by, and soon I found out my father’s girlfriend and her daughter were now going to move into my house. Seeing I became closer with her daughter in a way, I was excited about this, but that all changed. I was angry because I was told that my father’s giflfriends daughter was allergic to cats, so they told me I needed to give her up. This caused me to hate my father’s girlfriend.

To think I thought my life would be better since my mother was out of the picture, but now all of this became an added stress.

At this point in my life, I started to give up on praying. All I thought, though, is why does God want my family to suffer so much? Why doesn’t God save me.

Being back home has been great. Looking back on what our original house turned into from my mother’s mental health and addictions of it constantly looking like a huge mess to now starting over with a clean organized home I stopped even thinking about my mother. Prior to the fire, my homelife was like living in a war zone from it just being a disaster and hearing constant arguing all the time with an extremely unstable mother who I never felt safe around.  To have a peaceful home again just made me think I’d never be under my mother’s care again. For that, I hoped never to see her again.

Then, one day, my mother showed up as if nothing had ever even happened. She just walked into the house as if she were living here again.  She looked well and was stable, but how could a person burn a house down then just act as if nothing ever happened.

My father came into the living room and saw her. Immediately, he told her she no longer lives here and that she needs to leave.

That was the day they began the divorce process. I thought that would be the last time I would have ever seen her, but that wasn’t the case.

I was unaware of this, but my father now had plans for his girlfriend and her daughter to move in. In a way, I was excited because I’ve grown closer to her daughter. I still didn’t love my father’s girlfriend, though.

That day came, and my father’s girlfriend and her her daughter started to move in. One night, I overheard them both arguing about his girlfriend assuming my mother would have the kids full time and we’d only be living with my dad on the weekends. I thought who in their right mind would even assume my mother is fit to have us in her life at all. I guess my dad had told her that.

Well, after I heard their argument, I cried and worried somehow I’d have to live with my mom, the person I am scared of most in this world. All of this made me start to despise my father’s girlfriend even more. I knew she just wanted her own happy little family without my siblings and I being a part of it.

Soon after, I talked to my dad and said there is no way I’m living with my mother. She’s a lunatic and I want nothing to do with her. He told me I’d need to at least spend time with her as she is my mother still.

I was just confused about why she even needs to be back in my life. I said, where will we even have to go to see her? He told me she is now living with her parents so we’d be spending weekends there. That wasn’t entirely bad. I do love my grandparents, so at least I would be in a safe home environment. I still wasn’t happy I had to spend any time with my mother.

So now my homelife was going to be adjusting to having my father’s girlfriend and her daughter move in and his kids being forced out every weekend. There was nothing I could do to change it.

As much as I stopped believing in God, I did pray that my life would be OK. I asked God to please keep me safe when I’m around my mother and to make it that the weekend visits will not be a permanent situation. I was aware God abandoned me in the past, so I had zero trust in Him now.

I dreaded this day but had no choice but to see my mother. So we met her at a local pizza place for dinner. When we got there, she was with a guy who just came off like a creep. She said this was her boyfriend that she met him in rehab. I just knew this guy was not going to benefit my mother’s mental health.

My siblings and I sat down at the booth, and my mother’s boyfriend went up to the bar. I hoped he was just getting sodas, but of course, he came back to the table with 2 beers, one for him and one for my mother. I knew this was not going to be a good night, and I was getting angrier as the night went on.

Those 2 beers turned into many beers, and my mother and her sketchy boyfriend were wasted. I finally went up to the bar and told the bartender to stop serving them, and they were both alcoholics. He laughed and said not his problem and he serves what people want.

Sadly, I knew when my father heard of this, he wouldn’t even be fazed, and we would still have to see her on weekends. To that, I thought no one actually cared about my siblings and myself, and all my father cared about what his fiance and her daughter.

I would love to say my mother became more responsible with her parenting after our first mandatory visit, but her behavior only worsened. I knew she’d never leave this guy she was dating, so I just needed to tough it out as usual and continue to be endangered by her poor choices in life and I quickly realized no one actually cared about how myself or my siblings felt.

At this point, I simply gave up on my hope that anyone would even care about my needs and feelings. So I then started to just numb my emotions and accept that this will always be my life. Suffering was now my new normal.