Seeing my mothers alcoholism was very difficult to live with at times. We would often have to pack our bags and stay at my grandparents’ house.
One of my mothers drunken fits. I went into the bathroom and saw on the mirror in black permanent marker a long note telling me I was the biggest mistake of her entire life and, because of me, she started to drink. She wrote she wished I had died at birth and was never born.
Her drunken fit this time, we packed up immediately after she was yelling and throwing things around the house. I was terrified of her as usual.
I loved not being home and staying at my grandparents’ house. We’d play board games, watch tv, and every night we’d get to eat ice cream. It was definitely much more peaceful than being at home.
I also loved being able to spend time with my grandparents’ dog TJ. It did make me miss all my pets at home, but he was such a great dog.
I became very close with my grandparents, and I don’t think I ever even thanked them for all they did for my family.
I started to look at my grandparents as my second parents. They just did so much for us. I can’t imagine not having their house to escape to when I was a child.
When it was time to go back home, I knew things would be the same. We would tolerate living at home until my mom got extremely out of control. Then, yet again we’d pack up and go right back to my grandparents.
I remember coming home from school, and my mother was extremely drunk. She said I think you love your grandparents more than me.” I said maybe I do. I asked, “How can I love you?” You’re always drunk. She got so angry slapped me in the face and called me a little bitch that she hates.
I ran out of the kitchen and went up to my room and just cried myself to sleep.
It’s the most horrible feeling to grow up knowing my mother wished I was never born and hearing often from my mother that I was the cause of her alcoholism.
I never had anyone to tell me otherwise so my entire life all I felt was that I was the biggest mistake to my family and if I wasn’t born maybe my mother never would have picked up a drink.
It took me going through years of therapy to outgrow this thought, but I was consumed by it and at a young age I thought about killing myself assuming maybe that would be the reason my mother would get sober.
I wish I had a stable mother and stable home life, but I began to realize my wishes never came true.
To be continued…
The Outspoken Advocate 